Night shift preparation before and after kids

Sleep deprived and descending into chaos

Mid afternoon

Before kids: wake from leisurely 3 hour afternoon nap. Read book. Check phone. Shower for 15 minutes while listening to current favourite band of choice.

After kids: fantasise about 15 minute nap while washing the dishes, preparing lunches, clothing and school bags for the next morning. Read note about school excursion (late to pay again). Shower for 3 minutes while listening to fight over who gets to wear which fairy costume.

Beauty routine

Before kids: thoroughly cleanse, tone and moisturise face. Carefully study reflection. Pluck any stray hairs from brow or lip. Ensure that eyebrows are smooth and even. Section hair and re-straighten hair to ensure that no part is kinking wrong way. Apply light foundation made from natural minerals. Use $50 makeup brush to carefully apply matching mineral powder. Spend 15 minutes ensuring that eye colour is even and matching on both lids. Prime lips. Line lips. Base coat lips. Cover lips in long-lasting shine lip gloss. 

After kids: wipe face with baby wipe while cleaning teeth. Wipe baby's face with same wipe. Give baby $50 makeup brush to play with. Smear BB cream bought at a party plan "girls night" all over face. Rub extra into strange reddish areas near nose. Acknowledge and ignore wild bushy eyebrows. Apply anti-aging mineral powder to face with wad of toilet paper as baby will not give up makeup brush. Use finger to apply neutral coloured eyeshadow to each lid. Stab self in eye. Run strawberry scented chap-stick across lips. Note small bite marks in chap-stick. Quickly run hair straightener through front section of hair in vain attempt to look presentable. Pin rest of hair back with assorted sparkly pins and hair clips. Discover single strange dark hair growing out of invisible mole on chin. Frantically dig through cupboard for tweezers. Locate and rid self of offending old lady hair.

Wardrobe routine

Before kids: reflect on mood, and carefully select the outfit that best represents mood, from organised and fashionably current wardrobe. Consider shoe collection. Choose shoe that it modest and professional, yet unique enough to imply that wearer is interesting. Accessorise subtly and locate specific bag to complete outfit.

After kids: reflect on basket of clean clothes, and ascertain that comfortable jeans are either still in the dirty washing hamper, or still damp on the line. Locate jeans in pile of dirty washing next to bathroom. Put them on and wipe at mysterious stain (milk? cheese?) with baby wipe. Frantically pull shirts from drawer in attempt to find something suitable for work that is clean and long enough to hide strange gut roll. Swear several times under breath. Run outside to line, wearing jeans and a cardigan over bra and locate appropriate top on line, slightly damp. Throw it on while still in the backyard and convince self that body heat will dry it in no time. Peruse shoes which are strewn across wardrobe floor due to enthusiastic dressing up game played by small people 2 days ago. Manage to find a matching pair of black flats with minimal holes and shove them on feet. Clear bag of nappies, spoons, half-eaten packets of biscuits and matchbox cars.

Bag preparation 

Before kids: cut assortment of fresh nutritious vegetables into perfectly sized sticks. Pack into expensive plastic container. Remove matching plastic container full of carefully prepared dip from fridge. Pack both containers, along with tub of gourmet yoghurt, portion controlled container of dinner-type food, and fresh bunch of grapes into expensive lunch bag. Head into bedroom, locate stylish gym wear purchased from sporting goods store in drawers. Find matching socks and select running shoes and gym towel that best complement exercise attire. Pack all items into backpack adorned with logo of expensive sporting brand.

After kids: cut assortment of fresh nutritious vegetables with assistance of 6 year old and 3 year old. Cut vegetables, which have been gouged and manhandled by miniature assistants, into chunks vaguely resembling sticks. Pack into container with Disney Princess pictures and name labels covering it. Grab recycled cottage cheese container full of prepared dip from fridge. Rummage through the fridge for something that resembles dinner. Find half full container of burrito mix, add salad vegetables. Shove into grey plastic bag along with Peppa Pig yoghurt and a couple of apples. Head to pile of clean washing and pull out running tights from chain store, and giant shirt that you wore when you were 9 months pregnant. Locate Toy Story towel, sports bra, and 2 socks that are pretty close to being a pair. Grab running shoes (the ones without holes in the toes) from under coffee table. Shove all of it into Coke backpack you bought at the Easter Show several years ago and recently found when cleaning out cupboards in the garage.

Time to go

Before kids: check watch- you're ready early! Decide to head in before schedule, so you can sit at the cute new cafe and catch a few more uninterrupted minutes of reading before your shift begins. Climb into small clean car which is perfect for navigating city streets and parking in tiny spots. Upon arrival at work, laugh at lady in family sized 4WD who is trying to fit her car into miniscule car space. Glide small car into spot, and head to cafe, enjoying the sunshine.

After kids: check watch - husband is still not home, and you had to leave 5 minutes ago. Mentally tick purchase of proper coffee at proper cafe off itinerary. Make sure staff pass is in handbag, locate it attached to lollypop that has been placed, unknown to you, into your bag to save for later. Hear husband pull into driveway. Grab bags and run outside followed by 3 small children who are all in various stages of grief at the concept of you leaving. Bark orders and husband as he hands you keys. Pass him smallest child who is sobbing and dribbling snot all over your top. Attempt to kiss husband goodbye, kiss air near his nose instead. Climb into family sized 4WD and throw bag on floor next to fast food wrapper, water bottle, and head of barbie doll. Drive down driveway, breath sigh of relief. Realise that phone is still on charger by bed. Drive back up driveway, run into house and grab phone, causing all 3 children to return to previous state of grief. Drive like maniac as now late and desperate for coffee. Order coffee through drivethru window of fast food chain restaurant, have moment of weakness and order cheeseburger too. Upon arrival at work, attempt to maneuver ridiculously large car into stupidly small spot. Observe young, carefree woman in small, city appropriate car laughing at your efforts. Swear loudly out window as she drives away. Finally get into spot (sort of). Hurry towards work, spilling hot coffee onto your hand. Look down and realise that mysterious stain is still visible on jeans. Resolve to spend entire shift with right hand strategically placed on thigh. Make it to desk with 3 minutes to spare. Sit and enjoy 3 minutes alone.